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Monthly Archives: July 2011

Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Ninjas

Every great novel begins with great characters. Every great character begins with a name that is well-suited to that character’s personality and circumstances. Even the Bible (Proverbs 22:1, NIV) says that “a good name is more desirable than great riches.” Moon Unit may be the perfect name for a hippie child born on a commune in the 60’s, but it won’t work for the strong, brooding hero in a romance novel. Fi-fi Trixibelle may fit the child of a rock legend, but not the warden of a maximum security prison.

Speaking of prison, I have a theory that the crazier the name a parent gives a child, the more likely that the child will end up on the wrong side of the law. In my time as an attorney, I have collected the outrageous names of a few criminal defendants who might consider a legal name change (They are not my clients. Please do not give them my address.):

10. Samuel Crook

9. Mordecai McBean

8. Gobin Ramroop

7. Michael Schuttpelz a.k.a. cherryice2u

6. Robert Donald Duck

5. Andrea Schumate a.k.a. Meat Meat (For a double serving of dumb)

4. Arthur Outlaw

3. Brent Bonecutter (Hope he has never seen the movie, Saw)

2.  Aninja (Just Aninja, one word like Cher or Madonna but scarier)

1.  And my personal favorite . . . Norman Bates Hatchett